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7 THINGS TO GIVE YOUR BELOVED

1-      LOVE ~ Love him/her from where you are today. Not where you wish you were or were yesterday. This way you can enjoy the moment for what it is not expecting it to be different. Yesterday I was annoyed so that would be a lousy place to love him from. I may already be projecting a difficult situation I have to deal with tomorrow and be overwhelmed by it while my beloved has no clue how I feel.

2-      ACCEPTANCE ~ All my beloved wants is for me to take him as he is…not TRY to change him. This took some time to get to, but what a gift it is to spend time with someone with no agendas on either part. Controlling comes in many forms…just ask me!

3-      UNDERSTANDING ~ When they need to talk- they only want you to listen, unless they ask for an opinion- DON”T OFFER ONE! When they want your opinion, DON”T TRY TO FIX IT! When they need your expertise, unless they ask you to do it for them- DON”T TAKE OVER!

4-      LAUGHTER ~ Lighten up! Watch funny stuff like comedies, kid’s movies and cartoons together that will make you laugh. Laugh at your beloved’s jokes no matter how often you have heard them. There aren’t enough reasons to laugh, so make some up as you go along. Nobody gets me like my beloved and vice-versa, so we have tons of private jokes. Call during the day just to share in intimate chuckle, it will make your day. Life is way too short to spend it seriously.

5-      SPACE ~ This can mean both physical and mental space. I need to do things by myself – for myself and so does my beloved. We check with each other to be sure it does not inflict badly on each other, but we take time for ourselves. The mental space took me forever to sort out. It’s the space you need to think and come to your own thoughts and decisions about a thing. That means I don’t try to control the direction of my beloved’s thoughts or hurry the process along to an answer, just give the space needed for it to arise. It surprisingly doesn’t take that much time. REALLY!

6-      TIME ~ Don’t be so caught up in your own space and time that you neglect the relationship. It needs to be nurtured by both parties. You can only affect your part so step up. Start out small so as not to smother or become controlling about it. If come to gently, your beloved will come along willingly. Find a few things that you can do together where you may interact and create more opportunities to laugh and grow your intimacy. Cartoons are one thing but a walk in the park holding hands has a completely different feel about it.

7-      PUPPIES ~ This seems like a funny thing but it kind of goes along with the space thingy. My beloved always wanted a puppy. I said no after having kids, dogs (both from a previous marriage-only the kids came as a package into this one) and cats up to that point, I knew how much work was in it for me (who is in the home WAY more then my beloved). Finally after about 17 years together, kids grown and flown the coop, I surrendered to this cute puppy (from hell, actually), he was thrilled. It brought out the playful child in him. He (we) gets more exercise and spends time  in nature and outdoors playing and walking the dog. Who knew the affect an animal could have. We always had cats but a dog is truly a different relationship. Do what you will but if he REALLY wants a puppy, and you have some time on your hands, like 2 years for training, GO FOR IT! You (eventually) won’t be sorry.

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Julie has often wondered what IS her business, have you?

Actually she really didn’t think about it as it never occurred to her there what things weren’t.

(Is there a bit of Julie in you? There is in me!)

Why do discussions always end in an argument?

How the arguments always start…

Julie travel along in her day doing and chatting and being. Then she starts up a conversation with say, her beloved. She actually has many in her day, but not all of them stick in her mind. It’s the one that he seems to be in his own world and Julie asks a question. This is not always an intelligent thing to do when her beloved is busy, but what the heck, she had time.

The conversation starts something like “What do you think about___?” It rarely matters what it is that Julie was asking, it’s her response to his answers that get her all twisted up. Julie used to be quite controlling, but as she has been working on letting this go, the right thing would be to just listen to his answer and move on.

But, NO! This is not what Julie does as she would much rather have discussions on the how and the why of his answer. Now remember she is the one with the time and the interest, not him. She decided that there was something wrong with his answer and made it HER business to convince him “HE. IS. WRONG!”

This of course starts a debate that leads to an argument and someone stomps off unhappily.

Why do we often feel what anyone thinks of this or that or me for that matter is our business?

Ultimately, the question I ask Julie is just that.

How does what he thinks affect you?

I am interested in what he thinks.

So why do you want it to be the same as yours?

I guess I want us to be on the same side of things.

How important is it that you agree?

Somewhat, I think.

Who will you be if you do not agree?

Okay, I suppose I will still be me no matter what he thinks.

Is it his business what you think about______?

Is it important that you agree with him on everything?

NO, that will never happen! Our differences are what drew me to him in the first place.

Then ultimately is it any of your business what he thinks?

Not really, actually.

Can you still love him if he does not agree with you?

Of course!

Can you ask a question that does not lead to trying to convince him the light of your way?

This could be a challenge, but as I am not interested in him convincing me of some of his stuff, it seems a smart move on my part.

So when you think of this dialogue can you think of times when you tried to convince (control others) someone that your way or thought was the right and only one?  Was it any of your business what they thought? Can you respect another enough to let this go? It may be necessary to walk away some of the time before the debate starts as you know where that can lead!

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ON LOVE
~ By Thomas Kempis ~


Love is a mighty power,
a great and complete good.
Love alone lightens every burden, and makes rough places smooth.
It bears every hardship as though it were nothing, and renders
all bitterness sweet and acceptable.

Nothing is sweeter than love,
Nothing stronger,
Nothing higher,
Nothing wider,
Nothing more pleasant,
Nothing fuller or better in heaven or earth;

For love is born of God.

Love flies, runs and leaps for joy.
It is free and unrestrained.
Love knows no limits, but ardently transcends all bounds.
Love feels no burden, takes no account of toil
attempts things beyond its strength.

Love sees nothing as impossible,
for it feels able to achieve all things.
It is strange and effective,
while those who lack love faint and fail.

Love is not fickle and sentimental,
nor is it intent on vanities.
Like a living flame and a burning torch,
it surges upward and surely surmounts every obstacle.



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A Winnipeg street after two large snowstorms.

Image via Wikipedia

A Past Yearly Trip West to Winnipeg

The trip was short but took forever.
The visit was fun but difficult.
I was busy, but really I did nothing.
Driving, visiting and drinking tea with everyone hardly counts.
I love my family but it’s not always easy.
One sibling was as excited to see me as I him.
Yet another squeezed me in like an appointment with an annoying customer.
One year since my last visit, 2 since there was time for me.
My mom as always needed more than I ever have to give.
Unfortunate as she is close to no-one.
Her paranoia makes her miserable and depressed.
Friends are my shelter and my grounding.
Without them it would be impossible.
AH, but my youngest son.
The one I truly went to see.
It had been one year since he moved and I saw him last.
I needed to see/feel/know- he was doing as well as he said.
I saw him daily, and he was.
He was peaceful, not pacing.
He was calm, not shaking.
He was chatty and opinionated, not quiet and invisible.
His smiles were easy, his glasses were dirty.
He enjoys his work even though it’s the middle of the night.
He was delightful to see and touch.
It was fun and effortless to be around him.
I was sad to leave him behind but he belongs there.
I hugged him tight and told him what I saw.
He was okay – more than okay.
He was home – it’s not mine anymore, though.
I love him enough to give him wholly to himself and the world.
He may have difficult times ahead of him still,
But today I know that he will be okay.
I don’t feel the same about my mom;
I don’t know that she will be okay.
I do know there is nothing I can really do about it.
I left with the mixed feelings of joy, sadness, laughter and tears.
They remind me that I am alive and living ‘my’ life.
My emotions help me deal with every aspect of my life –
the good and the difficult.
They all teach me something.
I surround myself with wonderful people.
They help me through the difficult times,
And celebrate the happy ones.
I am grateful to be able to feel them all.
This wasn’t always so.

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After my New Year’s blog on change, I am following up by launching a NEW Group Coaching event here in Montreal starting February 21, 2011. I am only offering this to 8 women as it is such an intimate yet powerful group. You will not want to miss this opportunity so register quickly!

Please go to  Upcoming Events to see all the information as well as testimonials from a few attendees from a previous group. Consistently they mentioned words like safe and fun to describe the environment felt in the group sessions. Self-awareness and growth are personal goals gained from each of my clients as they moved forward along their personal path.

Women have come together for generations doing such things as knitting circles or quilting bees, pot-luck meals or movie nights. The largest benefit has always been that feeling of connection and togetherness that holds us together in difficult times. In today’s world where the pace of society and technology has kept us more isolated than ever, this is a REAL chance to reconnect! Bring a friend; share this with someone you know who could really benefit from so “me time”. Someone who may be on “PAUSE” “STUCK” or just “BORED”.

Mid-life can be that moment of transition that allows for something different. It doesn’t mean down-hill or over the hill for that matter. It can truly be an exciting time for you!  Maybe the first half of your life was all about your spouse, parents or family. I am sure you are happy you did but NOW it’s YOUR time! Time to uncover something to be passionate about! Maybe you stuck your dreams on hold for your family and now they have flown the coop so you can finally pursue your dreams!

A renewed energy that can be spent in any direction YOU choose! A new business, political pursuits, social injustice, or something that makes you FEEL alive! Maybe you have a known or unknown talent that has been waiting for you to develop it now that you have the time! The group creates a space to find out “what” or sort out the “how”.

I enjoy being part of the group experience and share in each persons joy from the “AHA moments” that come about, knowing that they will respond differently in their lives  from that moment on. It is truly an opportunity for anyone who is interested in change with support of others in a similar place in their lives. Now is the time for you, and you deserve to take it! I look forward to hearing from you and supporting your forward motion.

For more information on group or one-on-one coaching, don’t hesitate to contact me through the email on the contact page.

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Tents for homeless people on the Canal Saint-M...

Image via Wikipedia

[tweetmeme source=trcoaching only_single=false]Ah yes, the New Year is upon us and what do we want for the New Year?

I think peace on earth would be a great place to start, don’t you?

Healthcare for the world over.

Enough funds for food and a roof over each living soul.

Enough joy to balance out the sorrows in life for all.

To allow all to live how they choose without judgement.

To give value to each other while maintaining a sense of personal value.

That’s all! Well there is really much more, but this is a good place to start.

I guess the question maybe…

What am I willing to do towards this?

Be of service wherever possible.

Give financially where able…not just willing.

Share a smile with a stranger…how about a homeless person?

You could even do more if you want to really make a difference in the world.

What are you “choosing” to do today and in the New Year?

May Peace, Health, Prosperity and Happiness be within you to share this coming year and always.

Love Tam

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[tweetmeme source=trcoaching only_single=false]Last week Eve was working on not criticizing her husband as a driver or anything else. This has been a challenge, but she catches herself and sometimes even before it leaves her lips! This is progress for Eve and she is moving forward in other areas of her life.

Eve brought up guilt today and went on to talk about how she was not doing as well as she thought she could. Eve has been a “closet eater” all her life and feels she has been letting herself down. She couldn’t even write down everything she ate. She would say she had a cookie not 4. Eve had no acceptance of her lack of will-power and has a desire to” PERFECT” this part of her life with healthy eating and no longer “dieting”.

How does “PERFECT” look to you? Eating just what I need not all the extra. Being the right size and liking what I see in the mirror. Not feeling bad about my lack of self-control in this area. Not being secretive about my eating. What if you weren’t “PERFECT” at this? I’m not but I would like to change it! Trying to be perfect makes me feel awful.

There had been some friends over to have dinner and once again she had the tiniest sliver of dessert as she was watching her weight while the company was over. After everyone else left and her beloved was out of sight she ate another piece of dessert the size she had really wanted. She felt bad about this but it had been her habit to do this for so long it was normal. Another day she brought her spouse and herself out a piece of chocolate that had been a treat only to go back and eat half the box out of sight of him.  

I asked if she ever considered confiding in her husband that she was a closet eater or just eating what she wanted in front of him. Immediately, Eve said that he would not care what she ate or what her dress size was just as long as she was happy. It really wasn’t about him it was about her.

I asked if she would consider telling him and how she would feel about it. A hesitant “maybe” was her answer- followed by her desire to be more open. He did wonder why she struggled with her weight with the amount of food he saw her eat, feeling her frustration. She realized that she had been closer to her beloved since she has been working with me so she was warming to the idea. Eve said that she was sure it would feel good to not hide her eating and that admitting it would mean no more secrets. This was appealing to Eve. The thought gave her a bit of a knot in her stomach none the less.

Eve mentioned that her awareness of herself has made it much easier to be in control. Better in most ways and said that everything doesn’t have to be so serious. Maybe food can be put there too!

Eve has moved from apprehension about the direction of their life because of her husband’s work choices and is noticing more trust and faith in him. This seems to be moving in all areas of her life and feels good because she knows that past choices have all worked out and so will future ones. In the past apprehensions and waiting has sent her to the closet. She would rather know what is going to happen then be in the waiting game, though. Can she stay in her day with her eating? This is going to be the challenge that would not go away overnight.

Honesty with herself is key to her weight issues and I asked if she was willing to start with being honest with herself by writing down every morsel she is consuming from an extra chocolate or 6 to a handful of chocolate chips.  Eve is determined to follow through this week. I had two suggestions to keep in front of her this week. One a sign on her mirror that says “I AM good enough!” and the second for her fridge that says “Just for Today”. She was on it! We will check back next week to see how she is doing. Are you or have you secretly been a “closet eater?” I would be happy to hear your comments on this issue!

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