Archive for the ‘Principles’ Category

Julie has often wondered what IS her business, have you?

Actually she really didn’t think about it as it never occurred to her there what things weren’t.

(Is there a bit of Julie in you? There is in me!)

Why do discussions always end in an argument?

How the arguments always start…

Julie travel along in her day doing and chatting and being. Then she starts up a conversation with say, her beloved. She actually has many in her day, but not all of them stick in her mind. It’s the one that he seems to be in his own world and Julie asks a question. This is not always an intelligent thing to do when her beloved is busy, but what the heck, she had time.

The conversation starts something like “What do you think about___?” It rarely matters what it is that Julie was asking, it’s her response to his answers that get her all twisted up. Julie used to be quite controlling, but as she has been working on letting this go, the right thing would be to just listen to his answer and move on.

But, NO! This is not what Julie does as she would much rather have discussions on the how and the why of his answer. Now remember she is the one with the time and the interest, not him. She decided that there was something wrong with his answer and made it HER business to convince him “HE. IS. WRONG!”

This of course starts a debate that leads to an argument and someone stomps off unhappily.

Why do we often feel what anyone thinks of this or that or me for that matter is our business?

Ultimately, the question I ask Julie is just that.

How does what he thinks affect you?

I am interested in what he thinks.

So why do you want it to be the same as yours?

I guess I want us to be on the same side of things.

How important is it that you agree?

Somewhat, I think.

Who will you be if you do not agree?

Okay, I suppose I will still be me no matter what he thinks.

Is it his business what you think about______?

Is it important that you agree with him on everything?

NO, that will never happen! Our differences are what drew me to him in the first place.

Then ultimately is it any of your business what he thinks?

Not really, actually.

Can you still love him if he does not agree with you?

Of course!

Can you ask a question that does not lead to trying to convince him the light of your way?

This could be a challenge, but as I am not interested in him convincing me of some of his stuff, it seems a smart move on my part.

So when you think of this dialogue can you think of times when you tried to convince (control others) someone that your way or thought was the right and only one?  Was it any of your business what they thought? Can you respect another enough to let this go? It may be necessary to walk away some of the time before the debate starts as you know where that can lead!

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[tweetmeme source=trcoaching]“Being great at what you do isn’t just something you do for the organization you work for- it’s a gift you give yourself.”
Robin Sharman

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[tweetmeme source=trcoaching only_single=false] There is this guy who walks his dog daily and meets all kinds of people doing the same. It is generally a good experience but not always. Not all dogs like each other, sort of like people. They can be aggressive, controlling, angry, frustrated and afraid as well. There are also the timid, calm, quiet submissive types as well as the happy ones,  but don’t push them around as they will not put up with it. Together they have greeted many dogs and most but not all have been good experiences.

One day a dog came from an open door of a home at full charge causing great concern that both he and his dog were under attack. This wasn’t their first contact, the last time they met this dog he was quite aggressive. Dogs can be wary of other dogs but even if they are- don’t usually charge. Spend some time in a dog park and you get to see all kinds of greetings, this dog was out to be boss and there was no way to know in advance how this was to turn out!

The guy walking his dog kicked the charging dog as he was all over his own dog. The dog was not hurt and came at the dog again so he kicked a second time afraid his dog would get hurt. This was absolutely a reaction from fear.  Was it uncalled for or an over-reaction, only someone in the exact situation could possibly know, but ultimately he felt awful. This is not who he is or what he does. The other dog owner finally got his dog off and into the house and both dogs were  okay.

The owner of the charger came out yelling and screaming. This was a neighbor and the last thing you want between neighbors is this kind of issue. He apologized several times for kicking the dog, but he really felt under attack. The charging dog’s owner thought this was a perfectly normal greeting for dogs so would not accept his apology. You never hear an owner whose dog attacked someone say, “I knew that would happen!” No, it’s always”he has never hurt another dog or human before!”

There had never been anything but a friendly greeting between him and his neighbor and had only just seen him not five minutes prior and said hello to him in his car. This was not good at all. The neighbor yelled, walked away, and then came back a couple of times to harass this guy who is now questioning his reaction.

Here is his issue.   Second guessing himself and always thinking that he did not only do something wrong and make a mistake, he “should have done it right!”  Is it possible to be right all the time I ask? No but it is because I am not doing something right. Do you think it is possible to be right all the time?  Of course not but I shouldn’t have reacted that way. How would you have done it differently? There was a pause before he answered – probably not. What do you wish were different? The other guys reaction or even if he kept his door closed so I wouldn’t have felt the need to protect myself.

So there was nothing you could have done differently, only the other guy? Yes, I did all I could and he probably would have done the same thing in my situation. The only other thing I could have done was drop my dogs leash so he could have protected himself but it could have gotten much worse and one or both dogs could have been hurt. Okay so you could not have had control over the other person or his dog? No, I could not. So is there anything else you could do? No, just wait and hopefully it will blow over and he will let this go.

People live from their perception. Both this guy and his neighbor have a different perception of the event. It was present based but not inclusive, neither believed the same thing or that the reactions from each other to the event were warranted. The dog walker could see things through the other guys eyes to some extent, he would not want someone to kick his dog either. He felt that if his dog was charging someone else he would have done anything including a kick if that is what it takes to stop the attack. Will the other guy see the opposite viewpoint, unlikely unless a cooler head prevails if ever.

Sometimes we can take a step back to see things from a different angle and get more understanding. Things may not be as they seem, as often there is information you do not know or see or understand or agree with given your own set of values and standards. Does this mean that you need to drop these to get what’s going on? Maybe only long enough to see through their eyes so you may be able to let it go. Our standards maybe high, but if they are so high that we feel bad about every mistake made, believing we “should have known or done something perfect” we may need assistance to get perspective on them. We will be working on “perfectionism” in the future I am sure!

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[tweetmeme source=trcoaching only_single=false] Last week I was quite adamant on “needing stuff to feed your inner core” and actually re-read today the brush off I gave to the physical body. I believe that my intent was to go deeper as the body is the first place many go but I get it. The body needs feeding as well as the soul! There, I said it!

Energy can come from anywhere you get it. Whether it is physical fitness or treating your body like a temple by only putting good for you things past your lips, it may be something that you must do for your energy so have at it. Do whatever energizes you! Yes I am doing the things I have decided to do for energy, but as I thought about the list last week something came to me. When my body is not functioning at its best, I lose energy.

If I am not getting the sleep I need, or I am in pain this is hardly the energetic place I want to be in. Are there things that I can do that can make a difference here? A resounding yes! I go to bed consistently between 10 and 10:30 with the lights out before 11 and my lights are usually out as well.

But there are nights that I don’t fall asleep quickly because of how I am feeling, physically. I suffer with arthritis and menopause, and other stuff that can either keep me up or wake me up often many times in the night. The bottom line is I don’t not get near enough restful sleep those nights so those next days I have no energy.

So what can I do when that happens?

Be good to myself on those days.

This could mean sleeping in to get extra rest, when that is possible.

Rescheduling stuff that is reschedu-able. (I doubt that is a word!)

I can be on top of some medicines for some stuff.

I can do some new exercises I got that may deal with the source of the pain.

Maybe I can let some of my standards for things slide a bit for the day.

These are things I have control over.

What would keep me from getting to the exercise?

In the past it would have said procrastination.  (Laziness!) That is what I called it, anyway.

Today I know it has more to do with how much I value myself.

I wouldn’t have or take the time as I was so busy with other stuff and often for other people.

Today I want my “whole health” to be my priority.

I could ultimately do more of the things I love to do like coaching when I am more rested and energized.

What is the cost of me not taking care of this?

Being tired

Suffering the daily pain

Not being a very happy camper because of the pain –might affect relationships

Not being able to do lots of the things I would like to do or try and some of them with my beloved.

This is a huge cost not to do this.

The benefits far outweigh the effort involved in exercising. I will start by following the physiotherapists prescribed exercises. They take all of about 7 minutes twice a day. How ridiculous is that? Not spending less than 15 minutes of my life to get enough rest to do all I want? Of course I will walk my pooch, Max right after in the mornings. (At least 5 days.) Now if that isn’t “energizing” I do not know what would be! So #6 is doing the exercises.  They will have a huge affect on my life so there you have it. What is your #6?

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[tweetmeme source=trcoaching only_single=false] We generate FEAR while we sit.

We can overcome it by “ACTION”.

Fear is natures warning to get busy

and “GET GOING”!

My intuition knows where to “GO”.

When were you really gripped by fear? I don’t mean the kind of fear that strikes you when someone cuts you off in traffic and you were sure to hit them but diverted just in time. But that kind of fear that left you feeling like pulling the covers over your head forever. I have certainly felt that fear in my life on many occasions.

What do you do to overcome that fear? There are many choices that could be taken. All of them stem from some form of action. The action may come in the form of praying for faith and direction which is more my chosen first action today. It may come in the form of a decision to just walk away from that which has shaken you to the core. It may be to boldly go where you have never gone before and grab fear by the throat and just shake it!

By the end of my first marriage I was on a roller coaster ride of fear that lasted months. What if I couldn’t do it on my own? What if he really did hunt me down and kill me or steal my kids from me. These were real threats that added to my fears as he had been an abusive drunk. I justified staying then the fear would hit me again. What if these things happened while I waited for the courage to do something about it? I had been stomped on, pushed and shoved, held down and kept small for long enough! When the fear of staying was greater than the fear of leaving it was a no brainer! “GO!”

If fear was natures warning to run then I had best RUN! When an animal is in fear that exactly what they do. Have you ever seen those National Geographic documentaries of where some hunted animal doesn’t even see his predator, but just knows he is being hunted and starts to run? He seems to intuitively know to run and which direction to go. I think if you are connected in any way to your intuition, you will know where to go.  

I was a spiritual being at the time reading shelves full of self help books and books on higher beings other than God. So as much as I did not believe in God, I must have been connected to something. I ran! I packed whatever would fit in two cars, picked up my kids from school and drove an hour away to the city to save myself and my children. We stayed at a friend’s home for two weeks until I could get assistance and a home with low rent all just days before Christmas that year. Life goes on and ours did.

This event had been one of my biggest fears more than 20 years ago. There was much drama after that eventful day, but today I am living and breathing and so are my children. Today my adult sons have a relationship with their father, even though he still drinks. They are learning to accept him flaws and all. Children are very affected by growing up in an alcoholic environment and it seems to run downhill in families. With good fortune they grow up and learn something different than what they lived.  My grandfather and father died of the disease of alcoholism so there are all kinds of issues that come with this in your family of origin. If any of this sounds familiar to you or anyone you know please check out the resource page.

You may have some huge fears of your own. They may be public speaking, spiders or even getting a new job or talking to you current boss. It doesn’t matter what the fear is, it feels the same within everyone. Paralyzing! Palms sweat, head hurts, knees wobble, you start to stutter so cannot seem to form words let alone sentences. You justify and rationalize all kinds of excuses so you just do not have to face IT!

The answer is always ACTION! Do something and trust your instincts. So what if it isn’t perfect! Maybe you won’t do it gracefully even, who cares? The pride you will feel with your very soul for having given it a shot will add two inches to you height for some time. If the fear is more than you can face alone, I can support your motion. Have a great and FEAR-less day!

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[tweetmeme source=trcoaching only_single=false] When I was in primary school, I had a simplistic view of what I knew.  Things were black or white, right or wrong. My view was that I was wrong and my parents were right until I was right and they were wrong. As a young teen mixed up in an adult world, things became very confusing.  My point of view became a resounding grey. I could no longer define black or white, right or wrong as information came in mixed messages. I became the chameleon, changing with the wind or opinion of the moment. If you stated the sky was blue, it was, without even looking out the window.

I didn’t notice when it started only when it ended. I was easily confused when the message was continually mixed. Adults saying one thing and doing another in regards to smoking, drinking, lying, and sex to mention a few. Little white lies were okay, but bigger black ones, were not. Don’t do anything bad. Do what you can live with. “Do what I say and not as I do”, was the great mantra to questions of “why?” My parents made all the decisions and questioned any that I made. It was near impossible to believe that I had value when I didn’t feel valued. Trust became a luxury I didn’t possess.

My lack of view became a habit of no opinion. Becoming an adult with this malady carried with it someone who couldn’t make a decision or make simple choices. Default became my answer to most questions asked. If I couldn’t go along with someone else’s choice, I would table the answer until there were no choices left. Living by default creates frustration, bitterness, resentment, anger, a lack of confidence and self worth.

I don’t think that I looked the wreck I felt to the rest of the world. People said that I was fun and had a great sense of humor. I laughed at everything, even some inappropriate things.  I had been hiding the secrets of my life for so long that I was good at smiling on the outside. I felt lower than dust, invisible on the inside. I carried these feelings into all my relationships for many years. Little made me feel happy for very long. I was angry and judged the world, including and especially my family. I felt empty, and thought I would disappear completely. I tried to fill this feeling with busyness.

Listening and offering advice to anyone who would share there lives with me filled my life. As long as I was fixing others, I wouldn’t have to look at my own. This unhappiness went with me into my first marriage. I became fearful of letting others really know me as I didn’t think they could like me if they really knew who I was.  This affected my early working years as I was afraid to try for bigger jobs as I didn’t think I could do it and was afraid that the powers that be would laugh if I tried out for them.

My entire life was based on fear, and it had guided me for longer than I could admit. I realized that I was afraid that if I had an opinion, it would be wrong or others wouldn’t agree and wouldn’t like me. If I made a wrong choice “there would be hell to pay.” It hadn’t occurred to me that I was already paying the price with my soul. I had been bullied my whole life from one person to another until submissiveness was easier than fighting. My first husband was the culmination of all the bullies in my life.

I realize that no choice is also a decision made.  It was time to do something that I wanted to do. I started my own business doing something that actually made me feel good about myself. My business was about helping and teaching women to look and feel beautiful. Every women I met was more beautiful than me, but it lifted me up and gave me legs to stand on- however wobbly.

My new found opinions affected my relationships. My mother had been trying to run my life for years until I had the strength to take a stand and step into the role myself. My mother is a strong character who handled single parenthood with six children like a drill sergeant. I believe that this strength is something that I got from her once she stepped aside and let me make my own mistakes, including the “cheap $200 wedding” to the louse of my dreams that pried me easily from her clutches.

My next stand was the J-O-B I had, managing a club with no decision making power. It was perfect for the invisible me but now it no longer fit. My opinions affected my first marriage the most. For years I had been the contented gardener of castle martyrdom, to someone who believed I wasn’t worthy of respect. I was no longer accepting unacceptable behavior. The tears were now in the past. My marriage was doomed.  I was no longer the chameleon to his point of view.

Opinions and choices are muscles that need regular exercise. They strengthen one decision at a time. On my own with my 2 children, I got plenty of exercise- there was no room for default. Choices and decisions needed to be made from the moment I opened my eyes until I shut them at the end of every day. In a very short time I had become a decision making machine. There were times I was so opinionated that I would argue until you agreed with me. I became the bully. It wasn’t me it was my muscles! They became too strong. They morphed out like a weight lifters. Whether the milk was $1.50 or $1.60, it wasn’t worth a battle. Not everything was that important.

Finding balance is knowing when to stand up for what I believe and when to shut up. Today I know that if something isn’t going to be an issue in a month or maybe even a year, it’s probably not important enough to argue about. Being right used to be a badge of honor until it became an accusation.  Arrogance had me believing that I needed to be right all the time. “Too much of a good thing”, I believe is the phrase.

Today I can express my opinion, knowing once is sufficient. After that I am trying to convince others to agree with my point of view. When I forget, I seem to notice the noise then realize that it’s coming from me. I apologize then shut up.

I like making decisions and having opinions, but they can change with new information. I must not get lazy with the little choices like restaurants to eat at or movies to see or even how I feel. The chameleon comes out when the muscles turn to flab from lack of use. It’s not usually hard to keep it up. How are your decision making muscles? Are they in need of a work-out?

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[tweetmeme source=trcoaching only_single=false] Week three begins! First I must confess that week #2 did not go quite as planned. I figured that I would be well into the book “a Purpose Driven Life” by now but alas, I am not. Not that I haven’t been reading it and other things, I am just not that into the book. I really believe in ones “Life Purpose” I have one myself after all! It’s just that there is lots of religious content and it is not my cuppa tea. For example the author quotes the bible on every page. The bible and his interpretations are not for me. I live a spiritual life and do have faith. I have no problems with whatever anyone’s beliefs are but I think it’s personal.

Once I realized that I was stumbling because of my chosen book, I moved onto a daily reader I enjoy.  I read about 5 of the 7 days and will continue. This is all good but I have found new habits are not as easy to add as I had hoped. Good suggestion to only add one at a time so they have time to sink in then I won’t give up because it wasn’t perfect! How did you do this week? You haven’t started, yet? That’s okay; you can start your week #1 now! You don’t need to wait for Monday!

 I have 2 habits well at hand so it is time for another one to be added. This one may sound easy at first but you have to know that I am a creature of habit. Not all good for me habits, but the ritualistic type that I am working on adding to. I am going to do a good deed every day without getting found out. It could be as simple as picking up the garbage blowing down the street from someone’s recycle box, to picking up some groceries for an aged neighbor. How can you be of service today?

This may be a bit of a challenge as I will be away all of next week but I am up for it. The “without anyone knowing about it” is about not feeding my ego. I cannot come home to tell my beloved how great I am because of what I did. This is not a true deed for the sake of giving. I want to be more conscious of giving. I know I do these kinds of things occasionally but not a habit. I cannot tell you how many times I could not be bothered to bend down and pick up garbage that was in my neighbor’s yard. It could have blown there from my recycle box! Now is the time to become aware of the things that fuel me.

I would love to hear what habits you do that energize you daily. Please leave a comment on how successful you are with yours. Looking forward to hearing from you.

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[tweetmeme source=trcoaching only_single=false] I cannot tell you how many times people have said “yeah, but…” in response to something I said. I may have had an opinion, insight or idea they either never heard completely or couldn’t be bothered to listen. Like they were busily creating what they were going to say. Brushing me off completely while they created their case! I end up feeling like I don’t matter or that I must defend myself. It’s awful!

How do I know that this may have been what happened? Because I have done it, too! I was absolutely not listening to their ideas or arguments on a subject, because I was busily with creating my brilliantly important come-back. I hadn’t realized the affect it had on others until I felt it myself. We are so self-centered! Consciously I would not treat another person in this way, so I must become more conscious in how I am with others.

So how about it, do you think it is possible to actually listen without conclusions before another person has completed their comment, rant, tirade or thought? I for one am giving it the old college try…but you know my opinion on that word. Okay, restated. I am going to listen for any time “yeah, but” comes to mind and head it off at the pass (my lips!) and start listening. Maybe I will even ask a question or two for clarification instead. Will you join me?

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[tweetmeme source=trcoaching only_single=false] Today I know what my purpose is and I can tell you that it took more than 50 years to find it. It is not apparent in all that I do, but I am getting closer daily. I believe God had guided me to be of service with what I have learned in my first 50 years. I expect to have another 50 as my mom’s mom lived to be 99! This purpose comes to me in the form of intuition. I believe they are somehow connected. In the past many have stomped on my dreams, put hurdles in my path, or were downright mean and unkind about what I believed were my goals. Some claimed that they were being helpfully ‘realistic’, yet others just wanted to hold me down. They couldn’t just let me move forward or be successful as they feared I’d move on.  This is not to say that some of the roadblocks were not erected by me…NO WAY!

I have always believed that we are all the same. I read somewhere that “we are all peers among equals, no better or worse”. I have always spoken with respect to both the janitor as well as the CEO. We are all spirits on a human journey as it has been said countless times before .We are all connected. We ARE all the same! If this is so then it is imperative that I support you in your quest as you support me in mine.

You may not have the same thoughts on this but I respect you just the same and will treat you with love. I am NOT uber-religious, I am on a spiritual journey and believe that we are all magnificent beings and need to share our gifts freely with others. I don’t mean you cannot make a living, just be open to the world. This sharing of ourselves will aid others…even if we cannot see or do not know them, they are there. This is sounding like I am on a soap- box!

My primary purpose is to support passionate dreamers live their purpose.
The more we find and live our purpose, the more our world will thrive. Your neighbor may seem a jerk as he dumps his snow on your yard for the 43rd time this winter.  Do you let it divert you from your purpose? Can you live and let live, knowing that he is just as upset about the damn snow as you are. Can you help? Maybe you don’t have another driveways worth of shoveling left in you. Is there another solution that leaves you both with a smile?

If I am living what I believe to be my purpose, I must not be sidetracked by other peoples stuff or by my own selfish petty needs. We are all looking out for our own best interests, mine are my principles and purpose and yours are…well, yours! This purpose allows me to be at peace every day and to work effectively and equitably in all my dealings in our world. Why can we not have and do both? There is a way to be true to you while being kind and respectful to others.

Do your principles need polishing or your purpose need propping, just jot me a line and I will be pleased to explain how I can be of service to you.

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[tweetmeme source=trcoaching only_single=false] Last week I wrote from a thought after reading …to always try just “one more time” and immediately- it was all wrong for me. I missed out on the most important points so I will do this “one more time” for me- and for you.

I really have ditched the word “try” from my vocabulary. My antenna goes up when I hear someone say “I will try to be there…” Or “I will try not to do that again.” It is a word that is already saying ‘NO’ without actually saying it. A set up. An excuse, like “well I said I would only try.” When I have used try with an invite- I actually forget all about the actual event the moment I say try. If I really wanted to go I would check my calendar or say yes right away. ‘Try’ means it’s not that important to me, reminding me of the Principle “we all act in our own best interests” and this wasn’t in mine.

Do you “try” to get to work on time? Do you try to pick up the kids from school on time? Do you try to eat healthy? HOWHow about trying to get enough exercise! What are you really saying when you do not commit to the action?
Some of us were over committed as kids – you know the sports teams, school, social activities, etc. Maybe we had too much chaos at home so a sense of over-responsibility to everything. I did the babysitting of 4 younger siblings with my brother as well as we cooked, cleaned and felt like slaves with lots of responsibility and no pay. I think this may have caused us to be wary of committing to things that may even be great for us but are just one more thing on our to-do list.

How about not wanting to hurt other people’s feelings by saying “no”. Your actions may be saying their feelings are more important than being true to your own. I have done that, for sure! Hmmm…how did that happen? Lots of reasons on the how and why but do we want to continue this behaviour? Has it ever occurred to you that you do not have to make excuses or justify your “No”? Did you know that it is more than okay to say “No” politely?

“No.” is a complete sentence! By eliminating “try” from your everyday language you change how you feel about yourself. Do it (Don’t even think to just try!) for the next week and see how many times you catch yourself saying ‘try’. See if you can restate the statement that you used it in an affirmative way.” Yes.”, “No.”, “I will considerer it.” or “I don’t know and will get back to you.” then do so. You will feel empowered, really! Let me know how that works for you.

If you are stuck in the “trying” of life, contact me and I will give you a free laser coaching session so that you can kick that “trying” habit!

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