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Archive for the ‘Relationships’ Category

Happily Ever After- life is just good!

The Perfect Storm- just one huge disaster!

Groundhog Day- the same old, same old…

The Trouble with Harry… you feel dragged along with no choice or control!

Please comment on what movie/series describes your life.

Whatever it is – if you are not thrilled with its content you have a choice to change it.

No I did not say it would be easy, just that it is possible. If you don’t know where to start, get support to figure that out. For some that support may be medical or psycho-therapeutic, but for most it’s a Coach.

Maybe it’s organizational and you are just plain tired.

Maybe you have lost control of your life and crave some balance to add some fun back into it.

Maybe you are floating along with no REAL direction and that’s not working for you anymore.

You fill in the blank, you know what’s missing _____________!

Take a tel-forum or workshop or just call for information on how you can make a change, I really can help.

Dreams can come true, they just need a little space to grow into!

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A dear friend mentioned that self esteem comes from our parents. This was not news to me as I thought it was about our sense of value and that it most likely came from our parents…they/we are always the culprits. More importantly and specifically it is from being consciously listened to with eye contact. This sounds simple right? Not so simple these days. The busier we are the more things we are doing at the same time fracturing our attention from others. Not on purpose as if we don’t care, we just feel the pressure of time bearing down on us and are not present in the moment.

How about when you are chatting on the phone with a friend, are you doing the dishes or feeding the dog? I have noted that there have been times when I have been doing several things simultaneously and stopped to wonder what I was doing. Writing is one thing that I do not or maybe cannot do at the same time as anything else. Working with clients is another time I can stay focused on just the other person, but as that is mostly over the telephone eye contact is rarely a part of it. Listening with intention becomes primary and equally effective when the voice is all you have. Meditation is another but almost all else it is a real effort to stay focused on just one thing, or person.

Okay, go back. Go way back (for some of us it may feel like an eternity) to when you were a child. What kind of attention did your mom give you? Was your mom attentive to you when you were a wee one toddling around? For some, you may answer “of course she was!” But for many you either hope she was, don’t know or are sure she was not.

Mom may have been overwhelmed with many children and depended on older siblings to help take care of your needs or maybe even off at work before you were even one year old. Things have changed and moms get to stay home longer than say thirty years ago. Is it possible she was at home baking cookies when you got home from school? Or was she frantically trying to get everything in the house done like laundry and supper then baths and snacks with no real time to even read a book and tuck you in with a big hug.

Was there real time for listening? Can you envision in your mind’s eye her looking into yours with loving care and attention? Some of you can and some of you are getting a little uncomfortable now and maybe even a bit resentful. This is not my goal here. It’s about how we all can make a difference for others while we go along in our day. How can we affect our children’s, parents, friends and associates lives? One person at a time we can raise their self-esteem, their sense of personal value by giving them a small moment of your time.

If you don’t think that listening has value, just go back and think about someone who did – maybe your dad, grandparent, neighbor, relative, teacher or friend. When they took the time to really give you that care and attentive listening – how did you feel? I know that I felt special. I felt worthwhile. I felt wanted. I felt cared about. I felt loved! I no longer felt invisible in the world, even if just for a moment. Somebody thought that what I had to say was important. It felt GREAT!

Even just eye contact with a stranger walking by can more often than not elicit a smile of knowing. Knowing that they really are alive and seen by at least one other person can lift their spirit. We can go along our days unconsciously hardly seeing another person or we can make a decision that we matter enough, others matter enough to give them the time and care to stop, look and listen.

If you want to lift the SPIRIT through the self esteem of our world one person at a time, please forward this post on.

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BASE Building

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I fell off my bicycle 2 weeks ago. Not to worry, I am okay with mostly bumps and bruises. I sat in the street in agony laughing my head off. The two retired women who came to my rescue couldn’t help but laugh as they scraped me off the asphalt and dragged my bike the 3 houses I got. It was my beloved’s old bike actually and I was just giving it an around the block test-drive to decide if I would actually ride it or sell it. The ride lasted 30 seconds but I am still paying for it, but healing.

I have been building my strength and energy for the past year or so. The idea that I may actually be interested in riding the bike was not mine.  Although I am always looking for things to do with my beloved, I truly did not think that I would be into the bicycling thing, but I did not think I would fall or plan for it. So why did I get on the bike?

Well, I figured that I owed it to him to try. I didn’t get on the bike for me as for us really. I love spending time with my beloved so if only for me, there would have been no test-drive. I do no seem to have great natural balance so have fallen of roller blades and bikes and things with wheels and blades – heck even a toboggan! I have always been just more safe when I stay on my feet, planted firmly on the ground.

This is not to say I will try other things. I have considered zip lining between trees with a friend of mine. This will have to wait until my shoulder heals, though. Even para-sailing off a dock over the water, but to land in the water is not my bag either! Even the idea of jumping off a cliff tandem with someone who has a glider strapped to their back has some appeal. I think its that feeling of flying through the air that I want to try!

I am not writing this to discourage you to try stuff out, frankly quite the opposite. If you want to be sure that something is not for you then give it a shot. If you want to jump out of a perfectly good airplane with a parachute strapped firmly to your back, JUMP! Why not? I am continuing to heal and build strength and energy at the gym on a bicycle that is nailed down and only one wheel as I see it. This is giving me energy while doing cardio and adding circulation to  heal my leg.

What will you try out just to see if it’s your thing? Be sure to wear a helmet and elbow pads!

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Don Juan DeMarco

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“There are four questions of value in life…

What is sacred?

Of what is the spirit made?

What is worth living for,

and what is worth dying for?

The answer to each is the same.

Only love.”

(Don Juan deMarco – 1995)

-Johnny Depp

How would you answer each question?

I would love it if you can add them to the comments.

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Be Happy

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“There comes a time in your life, when you walk away from all the drama and people who create it. You surround yourself with people who make you laugh. Forget the bad, and focus on the good. Love the people who treat you right, pray for the ones who don’t. Life is too short to be anything but happy. Falling down is a part of life, getting back up is living.” Unknown

This quote says so much to me. I used to be ‘in’ the drama and maybe even created a great deal of it early on in life. I didn’t know how not to or even that I had a choice. What a wonderful revelation that it was possible to remove myself from the drama in other peoples life, even some that were family, unfortunately. Life is much simpler without it and full of peace and joy.

I can choose to love everyone from a distance. I can choose to detach in a loving way when they are in my space if I cannot actually move myself physically. This is all about choice. How terrific is that. This is something that took me over 40 years to figure out and gratefully I did. I am not saying that I am perfect at this in any way, as I can slip up when my cup is not full. I am more likely to react vs. respond when I am tired. The deal is to know where I am at – and to make good choices based on what I want, knowing this information first.

Surrounding myself with folks that make me happy and laugh out loud is important to me. I can love them for who they are and be grateful for all that they give me unconditionally. This is much harder with folks that have the same blood as myself. It is much more work to discern the difference between what is right and what is necessary when it comes to who I spend my time with.

Life is too short not to enjoy it. I am happy most of the time. This does not mean I do not fall down occasionally. Actually there are tons of scars on my knees from doing so, but today I know I can just get up and try again, differently. I have enough life behind me to prove it to myself. I also expect that I will make more mistakes, but hopefully not as many as when I was young. Experience has taught me a few things. If I didn’t make more mistakes I probably didn’t try anything new or take any risks or been brave.

Life is good and being happy is better than being miserable. I know you have it in you to be happy, too. Hey, maybe you are and I am preaching to the choir! I hope so as it is so much more fun and others want to hang with the happy folks! I suspect we are already happy together somewhere in the Universe! Have a good one!

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  1. Let it go …you really can’t control your beloved, only your own behaviours. Not to be confused with giving up or giving in. Acceptance is the key to harmony. Let go, and love.
  2. Trust your beloved – they are in this relationship, too. We all get up wanting to do our best, sometimes we just miss our own mark and end up…just doing our best.
  3. Really talk ‘with’ not ‘at’ your beloved –let yourself be vulnerable. Get to really know each other. We falsely believe we know our partners well only to find out something new we didn’t know by talking and being open ourselves.
  4. Know and act like you’re in it together, not islands but not actually attached either. It is easier; believe me to do something together, because two heads are better than one. Would you have loved them the same if they were EXACTLY like you? This does not mean that you need finish each others sentences either…I personally like to finish my own. Also, have something in your life that is not connected to your beloved. You tend to appreciate each other more and it gives you something interesting to bring to the relationship.
  5. Neither of you are perfect – REALLY! This is self-explanatory, isn’t it? Yes we are ALL wrong sometimes!
  6. Laugh at your imperfections – together preferably. Look, it can be great fun to laugh at the world occasionally (providing they don’t know or get hurt by it) but to notice ones faults and still be able to laugh at yourself and not get miffed when your beloved joins in, that’s togetherness.
  7. Know that you have not always been perfect to each other… read the above for more info – if necessary.
  8. Apologize easily whenever you are wrong, and probably often. Refer to #5 if needed. But remember, continually apologizing for the same mistake gets tiresome for both parties. Isn’t it better to actually deal with the issue? It will not magically vanish into thin air without some effort.
  9. Work on your relationships daily.  The relationship is a gift that can keep on giving, if you keep on giving to it.
  10. Show and tell your beloved daily that you love them. Tell them you love them and why. Do something special for the heck of it. When was the last time you did something your partner hates just because it would remove it from their to-do list? How about flowers or dinner and a movie? If you are not the verbal kind of guy, how about a love note? It doesn’t have to be poetry, just from your heart. Do something nice without pointing it out to get credit for it. This can be a toughie for some. Don’t wait until you FEEL like it, do it NOW!
  11. Pray to have lots of days, months and years together. Even the bad moments remind us of how good the great moments are. Time is a gift. We need to treat today like it may be our last with our beloved and pray that they will be around longer than you.
  12. Get up tomorrow and do it all again, lovingly. Nobody is perfect, but as long as we can get up again, there is hope.  Start the day anew. You have it in you to forgive all past sins if you really want to live without resentments.  Besides, don’t you want all YOUR past sins forgiven?        The answer to every question is LOVE!

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My beloved comes home from getting a haircut and hands me a bag or roasted chickpeas. I am pleasantly surprised and welcome a treat so I reach in, grab a few and pop them into my mouth. They tasted awful! So awful after a few timid chews I spat out the remains. I immediately said they were horrible and he agreed. I asked if he wanted to throw them away and he said he would feed them to the birds. Sounded reasonable even though I was surprised he did not agree to the discard idea. He LOVES to throw things away. I am the one who can usually find a second use for almost everything.

The next day, I asked if he wanted to feed the chickpeas to the birds now, while he was busy with the yard. He looked at me and said “No the squirrels would eat them all so throw them away.” Now I heard a tone and different words. I heard “Are you nuts! What a dumb idea! The birds won’t have a chance because of the squirrels so why would you want to do that? Throw them away, of course.”

Instantly all I wanted to do was throw them at him! “I was going to throw them away yesterday. Why didn’t you let me pitch them then?” He looked slightly miffed and said “Why do you have to talk to me like that?” (Like what? Okay maybe there was a tone in there. I had wanted to be right after all.) “To be sure that you knew” I said “it wasn’t MY idea to feed these to the birds it was YOURS, just in case you did not remember!” Off I stomped into the house and promptly threw them away.

What was the point in all of this drama? I can’t believe it but I felt the need to defend myself. By this point in my life with all the work I have done on personal development, I can get here when I am not paying attention or taking care of myself. I spent a long time defending myself to the world and the knee jerk just showed its horribleness, yet again. I have been feeling a bit off as of late and I guess this feeling left me feeling not completely whole…more like I had a hole.  That’s another story.

A do-over would be terrific right now! It took me hours to apologize for my shortness and totally needless blow up including rant. Not because I hadn’t cooled off or didn’t know I needed to…maybe somehow I hoped it would just go away. Frankly, I was embarrassed. Then I just wanted to be snotty for awhile then calm down. Except that I wasn’t – and it just went away – I simply forgot. I can always be sure that the memory of an error will come right up in front of me again and I will step up. We were cleaning up after supper and I just said “Sorry I was a bit snotty earlier today.” He said “That’s okay.”  It was done. It really was over with.

The cool thing about taking responsibility for my actions and the dreaded reactions to stuff, they are gone. I am more aware of myself and my defenses but they are not carried forward into another day to be planted, fertilized and fed, shone light upon and built into a mighty oak tree with roots near to China!

Relationships need tending to by feeding it love and understanding, forgiveness and compassion, weeding and maybe even tying it up to something else more sturdy until it grows strong. Ours is over 20 years strong and we have gone through many seasons, through the rain and snow as well as the newness of spring and the coolness of fall. I just know on the next cloudy day, the sun is around the next corner. There are less and less cloudy days in our relationship and we don’t take the rain or the sun for granted. We definitely enjoy the sun!

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