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Posts Tagged ‘Eve Online’

[tweetmeme source=trcoaching only_single=false]Last week Eve was working on not criticizing her husband as a driver or anything else. This has been a challenge, but she catches herself and sometimes even before it leaves her lips! This is progress for Eve and she is moving forward in other areas of her life.

Eve brought up guilt today and went on to talk about how she was not doing as well as she thought she could. Eve has been a “closet eater” all her life and feels she has been letting herself down. She couldn’t even write down everything she ate. She would say she had a cookie not 4. Eve had no acceptance of her lack of will-power and has a desire to” PERFECT” this part of her life with healthy eating and no longer “dieting”.

How does “PERFECT” look to you? Eating just what I need not all the extra. Being the right size and liking what I see in the mirror. Not feeling bad about my lack of self-control in this area. Not being secretive about my eating. What if you weren’t “PERFECT” at this? I’m not but I would like to change it! Trying to be perfect makes me feel awful.

There had been some friends over to have dinner and once again she had the tiniest sliver of dessert as she was watching her weight while the company was over. After everyone else left and her beloved was out of sight she ate another piece of dessert the size she had really wanted. She felt bad about this but it had been her habit to do this for so long it was normal. Another day she brought her spouse and herself out a piece of chocolate that had been a treat only to go back and eat half the box out of sight of him.  

I asked if she ever considered confiding in her husband that she was a closet eater or just eating what she wanted in front of him. Immediately, Eve said that he would not care what she ate or what her dress size was just as long as she was happy. It really wasn’t about him it was about her.

I asked if she would consider telling him and how she would feel about it. A hesitant “maybe” was her answer- followed by her desire to be more open. He did wonder why she struggled with her weight with the amount of food he saw her eat, feeling her frustration. She realized that she had been closer to her beloved since she has been working with me so she was warming to the idea. Eve said that she was sure it would feel good to not hide her eating and that admitting it would mean no more secrets. This was appealing to Eve. The thought gave her a bit of a knot in her stomach none the less.

Eve mentioned that her awareness of herself has made it much easier to be in control. Better in most ways and said that everything doesn’t have to be so serious. Maybe food can be put there too!

Eve has moved from apprehension about the direction of their life because of her husband’s work choices and is noticing more trust and faith in him. This seems to be moving in all areas of her life and feels good because she knows that past choices have all worked out and so will future ones. In the past apprehensions and waiting has sent her to the closet. She would rather know what is going to happen then be in the waiting game, though. Can she stay in her day with her eating? This is going to be the challenge that would not go away overnight.

Honesty with herself is key to her weight issues and I asked if she was willing to start with being honest with herself by writing down every morsel she is consuming from an extra chocolate or 6 to a handful of chocolate chips.  Eve is determined to follow through this week. I had two suggestions to keep in front of her this week. One a sign on her mirror that says “I AM good enough!” and the second for her fridge that says “Just for Today”. She was on it! We will check back next week to see how she is doing. Are you or have you secretly been a “closet eater?” I would be happy to hear your comments on this issue!

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[tweetmeme source=trcoaching only_single=false] Relationships are always going to be something to work on for most of us, until we accept that others are not us. They don’t completely think like us, act like us, respond like us or much else actually as they are not us. Even when you understand this and are good at acceptance I suspect that occasionally you slip (like I do). Maybe you need a refresher course of action.

Adam and Eve are a terrific couple who have been together for several decades and know each other well…well as well as one can know another person, anyway. They know all the quirks that their partner came into the relationship with and some of the rough edges have been smoothed out over time. Acceptance of those quirks has not always been easy, but to enjoy the relationship and last this long, their has to be acceptance or they would  have become the “Bickersons”! I tell you they are not.

Eve has one thing that is a bit of an issue – she picks on her spouse about driving. You know – like I wrote about in my post “I have learned…my GPS only works for me!” Well Eve had the same affliction of criticizing her spouse wondering why he drove the speed he was or didn’t take her ideal route, etc. It irritated her and she HAD to tell him. Often!

I asked her what she thought he heard when she did this behaviour.

After a moment she replied, “He’s not good enough! I don’t trust him.”

After this huge awareness (and silence) I asked if she trusted him and was he good enough.

She quickly replied that it was yes to both. As Eve had been working on being “good enough” herself this was a real stab to her that she was saying the same thing to him in this behaviour (absolutely not uncommon) and she did not want to continue doing this. She also mentioned that this was certainly not the message that she wanted to convey.

How could Eve amend the behaviour?

So I asked what she wanted to do about it.

Not do it again of course, was her answer.

How would she feel if this is how she was when she was in the car and he was going the wrong way? Probably frustrated at first, but maybe it’s not the wrong way for him.

Bingo! Revelation, now was it possible?

Eve figured it may be difficult as it had been a habit for most of their 30 years of marriage.

Could she apologize, she wasn’t sure.

How could she conscript her husband in the process?

Eve said the next time she was in the car and she felt compelled to do so she would mention it.

The next time they were in the car she commented on his driving (Darn!) and as he looked over at her she realized that she was caught in that old behaviour and immediately apologized, stating she had this overwhelming feeling to correct his driving and that she was working on eliminating it from her not so good habits. He was surprised. He didn’t know she was aware she did it in the first place as she had been a back seat driver forever! This gave Eve an added impetus to work on this. Only a short time later she caught her husband doing the same thing to Eve’s dad and poked him…they both had a good laugh about it and he is now working on it, too.

Eve is not perfect with this but catches herself and apologizes immediately. It was the largest area of criticism in her life. As she has been feeling “good enough” these days she also has not felt the need to defend herself either. All of the work that Eve has done has created incredible shifts in her thinking. Eve told me that she feels really good about giving the right message to her beloved Adam amd this goes deep to her core. I suspect that with all that she is feeling during this process of change, it will aid in the sticking of this new habit of “not doing” something and changing it for a loving action, letting go.

Eve’s knowledge that she is truly a good person and good enough as she is has changed her thoughts, attitudes then actions. This has affected her reality. As she takes care of herself and lets go of others to take care of themselves there is nothing left to defend or criticize. Hmm sounds perfect doesn’t it. Well Eve is the first to note her lack of “perfection” and her goal for the perfect body still lurks in the wings. See you next week when Eve tackles this big part of her growth!

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