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Posts Tagged ‘giving’

A dear friend mentioned that self esteem comes from our parents. This was not news to me as I thought it was about our sense of value and that it most likely came from our parents…they/we are always the culprits. More importantly and specifically it is from being consciously listened to with eye contact. This sounds simple right? Not so simple these days. The busier we are the more things we are doing at the same time fracturing our attention from others. Not on purpose as if we don’t care, we just feel the pressure of time bearing down on us and are not present in the moment.

How about when you are chatting on the phone with a friend, are you doing the dishes or feeding the dog? I have noted that there have been times when I have been doing several things simultaneously and stopped to wonder what I was doing. Writing is one thing that I do not or maybe cannot do at the same time as anything else. Working with clients is another time I can stay focused on just the other person, but as that is mostly over the telephone eye contact is rarely a part of it. Listening with intention becomes primary and equally effective when the voice is all you have. Meditation is another but almost all else it is a real effort to stay focused on just one thing, or person.

Okay, go back. Go way back (for some of us it may feel like an eternity) to when you were a child. What kind of attention did your mom give you? Was your mom attentive to you when you were a wee one toddling around? For some, you may answer “of course she was!” But for many you either hope she was, don’t know or are sure she was not.

Mom may have been overwhelmed with many children and depended on older siblings to help take care of your needs or maybe even off at work before you were even one year old. Things have changed and moms get to stay home longer than say thirty years ago. Is it possible she was at home baking cookies when you got home from school? Or was she frantically trying to get everything in the house done like laundry and supper then baths and snacks with no real time to even read a book and tuck you in with a big hug.

Was there real time for listening? Can you envision in your mind’s eye her looking into yours with loving care and attention? Some of you can and some of you are getting a little uncomfortable now and maybe even a bit resentful. This is not my goal here. It’s about how we all can make a difference for others while we go along in our day. How can we affect our children’s, parents, friends and associates lives? One person at a time we can raise their self-esteem, their sense of personal value by giving them a small moment of your time.

If you don’t think that listening has value, just go back and think about someone who did – maybe your dad, grandparent, neighbor, relative, teacher or friend. When they took the time to really give you that care and attentive listening – how did you feel? I know that I felt special. I felt worthwhile. I felt wanted. I felt cared about. I felt loved! I no longer felt invisible in the world, even if just for a moment. Somebody thought that what I had to say was important. It felt GREAT!

Even just eye contact with a stranger walking by can more often than not elicit a smile of knowing. Knowing that they really are alive and seen by at least one other person can lift their spirit. We can go along our days unconsciously hardly seeing another person or we can make a decision that we matter enough, others matter enough to give them the time and care to stop, look and listen.

If you want to lift the SPIRIT through the self esteem of our world one person at a time, please forward this post on.

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  1. Let it go …you really can’t control your beloved, only your own behaviours. Not to be confused with giving up or giving in. Acceptance is the key to harmony. Let go, and love.
  2. Trust your beloved – they are in this relationship, too. We all get up wanting to do our best, sometimes we just miss our own mark and end up…just doing our best.
  3. Really talk ‘with’ not ‘at’ your beloved –let yourself be vulnerable. Get to really know each other. We falsely believe we know our partners well only to find out something new we didn’t know by talking and being open ourselves.
  4. Know and act like you’re in it together, not islands but not actually attached either. It is easier; believe me to do something together, because two heads are better than one. Would you have loved them the same if they were EXACTLY like you? This does not mean that you need finish each others sentences either…I personally like to finish my own. Also, have something in your life that is not connected to your beloved. You tend to appreciate each other more and it gives you something interesting to bring to the relationship.
  5. Neither of you are perfect – REALLY! This is self-explanatory, isn’t it? Yes we are ALL wrong sometimes!
  6. Laugh at your imperfections – together preferably. Look, it can be great fun to laugh at the world occasionally (providing they don’t know or get hurt by it) but to notice ones faults and still be able to laugh at yourself and not get miffed when your beloved joins in, that’s togetherness.
  7. Know that you have not always been perfect to each other… read the above for more info – if necessary.
  8. Apologize easily whenever you are wrong, and probably often. Refer to #5 if needed. But remember, continually apologizing for the same mistake gets tiresome for both parties. Isn’t it better to actually deal with the issue? It will not magically vanish into thin air without some effort.
  9. Work on your relationships daily.  The relationship is a gift that can keep on giving, if you keep on giving to it.
  10. Show and tell your beloved daily that you love them. Tell them you love them and why. Do something special for the heck of it. When was the last time you did something your partner hates just because it would remove it from their to-do list? How about flowers or dinner and a movie? If you are not the verbal kind of guy, how about a love note? It doesn’t have to be poetry, just from your heart. Do something nice without pointing it out to get credit for it. This can be a toughie for some. Don’t wait until you FEEL like it, do it NOW!
  11. Pray to have lots of days, months and years together. Even the bad moments remind us of how good the great moments are. Time is a gift. We need to treat today like it may be our last with our beloved and pray that they will be around longer than you.
  12. Get up tomorrow and do it all again, lovingly. Nobody is perfect, but as long as we can get up again, there is hope.  Start the day anew. You have it in you to forgive all past sins if you really want to live without resentments.  Besides, don’t you want all YOUR past sins forgiven?        The answer to every question is LOVE!

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7 THINGS TO GIVE YOUR BELOVED

1-      LOVE ~ Love him/her from where you are today. Not where you wish you were or were yesterday. This way you can enjoy the moment for what it is not expecting it to be different. Yesterday I was annoyed so that would be a lousy place to love him from. I may already be projecting a difficult situation I have to deal with tomorrow and be overwhelmed by it while my beloved has no clue how I feel.

2-      ACCEPTANCE ~ All my beloved wants is for me to take him as he is…not TRY to change him. This took some time to get to, but what a gift it is to spend time with someone with no agendas on either part. Controlling comes in many forms…just ask me!

3-      UNDERSTANDING ~ When they need to talk- they only want you to listen, unless they ask for an opinion- DON”T OFFER ONE! When they want your opinion, DON”T TRY TO FIX IT! When they need your expertise, unless they ask you to do it for them- DON”T TAKE OVER!

4-      LAUGHTER ~ Lighten up! Watch funny stuff like comedies, kid’s movies and cartoons together that will make you laugh. Laugh at your beloved’s jokes no matter how often you have heard them. There aren’t enough reasons to laugh, so make some up as you go along. Nobody gets me like my beloved and vice-versa, so we have tons of private jokes. Call during the day just to share in intimate chuckle, it will make your day. Life is way too short to spend it seriously.

5-      SPACE ~ This can mean both physical and mental space. I need to do things by myself – for myself and so does my beloved. We check with each other to be sure it does not inflict badly on each other, but we take time for ourselves. The mental space took me forever to sort out. It’s the space you need to think and come to your own thoughts and decisions about a thing. That means I don’t try to control the direction of my beloved’s thoughts or hurry the process along to an answer, just give the space needed for it to arise. It surprisingly doesn’t take that much time. REALLY!

6-      TIME ~ Don’t be so caught up in your own space and time that you neglect the relationship. It needs to be nurtured by both parties. You can only affect your part so step up. Start out small so as not to smother or become controlling about it. If come to gently, your beloved will come along willingly. Find a few things that you can do together where you may interact and create more opportunities to laugh and grow your intimacy. Cartoons are one thing but a walk in the park holding hands has a completely different feel about it.

7-      PUPPIES ~ This seems like a funny thing but it kind of goes along with the space thingy. My beloved always wanted a puppy. I said no after having kids, dogs (both from a previous marriage-only the kids came as a package into this one) and cats up to that point, I knew how much work was in it for me (who is in the home WAY more then my beloved). Finally after about 17 years together, kids grown and flown the coop, I surrendered to this cute puppy (from hell, actually), he was thrilled. It brought out the playful child in him. He (we) gets more exercise and spends time  in nature and outdoors playing and walking the dog. Who knew the affect an animal could have. We always had cats but a dog is truly a different relationship. Do what you will but if he REALLY wants a puppy, and you have some time on your hands, like 2 years for training, GO FOR IT! You (eventually) won’t be sorry.

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ON LOVE
~ By Thomas Kempis ~


Love is a mighty power,
a great and complete good.
Love alone lightens every burden, and makes rough places smooth.
It bears every hardship as though it were nothing, and renders
all bitterness sweet and acceptable.

Nothing is sweeter than love,
Nothing stronger,
Nothing higher,
Nothing wider,
Nothing more pleasant,
Nothing fuller or better in heaven or earth;

For love is born of God.

Love flies, runs and leaps for joy.
It is free and unrestrained.
Love knows no limits, but ardently transcends all bounds.
Love feels no burden, takes no account of toil
attempts things beyond its strength.

Love sees nothing as impossible,
for it feels able to achieve all things.
It is strange and effective,
while those who lack love faint and fail.

Love is not fickle and sentimental,
nor is it intent on vanities.
Like a living flame and a burning torch,
it surges upward and surely surmounts every obstacle.



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Tents for homeless people on the Canal Saint-M...

Image via Wikipedia

[tweetmeme source=trcoaching only_single=false]Ah yes, the New Year is upon us and what do we want for the New Year?

I think peace on earth would be a great place to start, don’t you?

Healthcare for the world over.

Enough funds for food and a roof over each living soul.

Enough joy to balance out the sorrows in life for all.

To allow all to live how they choose without judgement.

To give value to each other while maintaining a sense of personal value.

That’s all! Well there is really much more, but this is a good place to start.

I guess the question maybe…

What am I willing to do towards this?

Be of service wherever possible.

Give financially where able…not just willing.

Share a smile with a stranger…how about a homeless person?

You could even do more if you want to really make a difference in the world.

What are you “choosing” to do today and in the New Year?

May Peace, Health, Prosperity and Happiness be within you to share this coming year and always.

Love Tam

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The Universe is one HUGE truth and we have our truth in it!

What if we accepted each person as never being wrong?

What if they are right but still choose wrong?

What if we did not work so hard to convince others to OUR way of thinking?

What if we agree to disagree?

What if we loved one another no matter what race we are, what God we believe in, what political affiliation we are connected to, what job we have or even choices we made?

What if we allowed people their own truth?

This is a big question and how you answer this is how you are probably living. Do you spend you time arguing with people to agree with your politics? How about religion? Maybe even what is the right way to raise children? Do you want others to live the way you believe to be the right way? What really is the right way?

Is it not ALL about choice? What are you choosing? Lots of questions today, but I am not sure I have many answers. I am sitting here writing this after conversing with a group of coaches on how to strengthen our families and this was a great portion of the discussion.

How can we actively respect others truths? Can we decide that there are just subjects that we cannot discuss because our truths are polar opposites? Maybe that boundary is the only way. What if we COULD discuss whatever that subject was? Could we then get to know why they have their truth? Maybe we could find out who they are as people. It is about just – being.

We don’t have to agree with others choices or truths, but accepting them is respectful. What if we all respected each other, no matter our differences? I think the world would likely be more peaceful. Do you not think that this respect given could say that I love you, even if I do not agree?

If when I wrote in another post, “Love is always the answer” is my truth, can you accept it even if you do not agree 100%? I do believe that when someone shows me respect by listening to what I have to say, I feel acceptance. This, is love. Can you love others as you love yourself?  Whatever your answer, you are right and I accept that!!

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kiss inc.

Image by e.esders via Flickr

  • Acceptance is the key to harmony. Let it go …you really can’t control your beloved, only your own behaviours. Not to be confused with giving up or giving in. Let go, and let love be the answer.
  • Trust your beloved – they are in this relationship, too. We all get up wanting to do our best, sometimes we just miss our own mark and end up…just doing our best.
  • Talk ‘with’ not ‘at’ your beloved –let yourself be vulnerable. Get to really know each other. We falsely believe we know our partners well only to find out something new we didn’t know by talking and being open ourselves.
  • Know that you’re in it together, not islands but not actually attached either. It is easier, believe me to do something together, because two heads are better than one. Would you have loved them the same if they were EXACTTLY like you? This does not mean that you need finish each other’s sentences either…I personally would like to finish my own. Also, have something in your life that is not connected to your beloved. You tend to appreciate each other more and it gives you something more to bring to the relationship.
  • Know that neither of you are perfect – REALLY! This is self-explanatory, isn’t it.
  • Laugh often -even at your imperfections – together preferably. Look, it can be great fun to laugh at others (providing they don’t get hurt) but to notice ones faults and still be able to laugh at yourself and not get miffed when your beloved joins in, that’s togetherness.
  • Know that you have not always been perfect to each other…read the above for more info – if necessary.
  • Apologize easily whenever you are wrong, and probably often. But remember, continually apologizing for the same mistake gets tiresome for both parties. Isn’t it better to actually deal with the issue?
  • Work on your relationships daily.  The relationship is a gift that can keep on giving, if you keep on giving to it.
  • Show and tell each other daily that you love each other. Tell them you love them and why. Do something special for the heck of it. Do something nice without pointing it out to get credit for it. This can be a toughie.
  • Pray to have lots of days, months and years together like this one. Time is a gift as well. We need to treat today like it may be our last with our beloved and pray that they can be around longer than you.
  • Get up again tomorrow and do it all again, lovingly. Look, nobody is perfect, but as long as we can get up again, there is hope.  Start the day anew. You have it in you to forgive all past sins, if you really want to and start fresh.  Besides, don’t you want all YOUR past sins forgiven? The answer to every question is love.
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